Looking for Love

21 Jan

January 20, a day that will live, ironically, in infamy.  Kyle, my beloved husband of only 13 years, passed away at the age of 35 on that day in 1992.  Hard to believe it has been twenty years; and while it doesn’t seem like yesterday–and time does heal some wounds–the impact of that event will never be over.  I have maintained I had to become a different person just to carry on; the young, naive girl who lost her love could not sustain herself without it.   I had to leave familiar faces and places and seek out new ones that didn’t remind me constantly of what was missing.  And true, exotic adventures and exciting vistas entertained momentarily, but only that.  My journey was always circular:  what I was running from and looking for were the same thing–and neither existed any more.  This really came home to me when I was in Turkey with my friend Banu a few years ago.  I had bought a ring from some eager merchant, and he was just as eager to have his picture taken with me.  We mugged for the camera, faking an engagement photo-op, but I noticed Banu wasn’t amused.  Later, I asked why.  “You should not flirt,” she stated.  “You are married.”  Before a denial could even pass my lips, I realized, in my heart of hearts, she was right.  I was still married to Kyle.  It didn’t matter that he wasn’t around to participate in this holy union–I was still just as married, just as faithful.  No wonder I hadn’t been able to find a replacement–I couldn’t, and I didn’t need one.  He was still there.  A certain peace settled inside me.  I could stop looking.  I just needed to learn to focus on how to be content with this special arrangement, this long-distance marriage, so to speak.  Just acknowledging that was a giant step in the right direction.  With the Lord’s help, it grows easier every day.  Thank you for that wisdom, Banu.  Happy anniversary, Kyle.  I’m still here–wherever I am.

3 Responses to “Looking for Love”

  1. Laura Raquel January 21, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Beautiful.

  2. Joan Lattimore Hockman January 22, 2013 at 4:15 am #

    I didn’t remember that kyle died on John’s birthday – his 37th. I just remembered that it was winter because we drove through a blizzard to the funeral.

    And I know just what you mean. I am still married to John. And we’re headed for the same destination, he just took an earlier train. And unfortunately my calling plan doesn’t reach there. But yes, I’m married. To the world’s only perfect man. And I’ll wait until the train that I have a ticket for is here, then I’ll go join him. Until then, I’m still here – and I, too, have no idea where this strange place is.

  3. Jennifer January 22, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

    Mrs. Briley, what you said is so touching and I have never thought of it like that. It’s so true!! You are truly a beautiful and unique person.

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